


If the Words Are True

by msermesth



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Currently it's just a lot of sad feelings, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pre-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Though mostly just past internalized homophobia, Tony is the best
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-22
Updated: 2017-06-22
Packaged: 2018-11-16 08:56:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11249832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/msermesth/pseuds/msermesth
Summary: The press has a field day when they discover some dirty love letters Steve wrote before the war. Fortunately, Tony has some experience with that.





	If the Words Are True

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much to Mid for the beta. 
> 
> This is set sometime after Winter Soldier and before Age of Ultron, which I'm imagining was some magical time in which everyone lived in the tower and had parties at least once a week.
> 
> Warning: Two characters in this story deal with being outed to the public without their approval. And there is some internalized homophobia, though I'd say its mostly dealing with the repercussions of that. In the present, it's mostly manifested as sadness. Lots of sadness.

“Natasha, do you know Japanese?” Steve called across the room without turning around to look at her. They were all sitting in the common room of Avenger’s Tower engaging in whatever they did when they mercifully had free time to do it. Which meant that Steve was trying to hunt for any clues about Bucky. It had been a month since he had found any leads on his whereabouts, so instead he was focusing on filling in the Winter Soldier’s history. The man was a phantom, and most of the stories Steve came across were more legend than fact. At least, that was how it seemed. Steve wasn’t about to ignore any information he came across, no matter how unbelievable.

“I can order a fine sochu, but the rest is sketchy,” she responded. Steve could tell by the way her voice was just slightly muffled that she hadn’t looked up from her book. “You’re better off talking to Bruce. Or Tony.”

“Can do,” Steve said and marked the information he had for later, when he could ask either of them face to face. He tried to save the ‘please translate’ emails for more promising leads.

“Steve, have you seen this?” Sam shouted from somewhere in the vicinity of the kitchen. His tone didn’t communicate any emergency, so Steve ambled after him, happy for the excuse to get away from the computer, and saw Sam watching something on his phone with his face scrunched up. “Did you hear about this?” Sam asked again, clearly thinking Steve knew what he was talking about.

Given that he didn’t, in fact, know what Sam was talking about and was in no hurry to find out, Steve waited patiently for Sam to offer some information. Sam sighed and handed the phone over after restarting whatever he was watching.

Tony, clad in a perfectly tailored suit and dark sunglasses, was walking out of a restaurant somewhere in Los Angeles as a group of reporters dogged his steps and shouted questions Steve was sure he had no intention of answering. If this was filmed today, then he must have just finished his attempt to woo his new ‘brain crush.’ At least that’s the phrase he used. Tony had been talking about how brilliant this Caltech student was for at least a month. Apparently, she was on the verge of revolutionizing global positioning technology (or something else to do with satellites) and Tony wanted her to do it for Stark Tech.

Steve looked up at Sam; he knew how the press was with Tony, and he didn’t need to see it. But Sam, who could read him better than anyone else, just nodded at the phone, and made it clear Steve was supposed to wait for something in particular. The line of questioning was so generic that Tony didn’t seem to be even listening, so Steve heard the question before Tony did.

“Is Captain America gay?” some unknown reporter shouted.

After it took a moment to sink in, Tony stopped walking and stared directly at the reporter. “What did you just say?” he demanded. Everything about him, from his tone to the way he stood to how his forehead twinged was aggressive.

“New letters have just surfaced proving Captain Steve Rogers had an illicit love affair with a man named William Bianchi.” Steve’s body froze at the mention of Bill’s name. “Have you seen the letters?”

“No, I haven’t seen-” Tony began and then stopped suddenly, looking wildly between the whole lot of them. He looked like he was about to throw a punch, but was just deciding who the best target was. “How dare you! You want to drag down a good man with some made-up scandal, and you are doing it at the expense of gay Americans. All of you should be ashamed.”

For a short moment, it seemed like the paparazzi was really considering what Tony had said, but that moment was shattered as one shouted, “Has Captain Rogers confirmed to you that the letters are forged?!”

As he began to enter his limo, Tony took a long breath, the fight seeming to leave him. Steve relaxed a little- on top of the horror he was witnessing, he had been worried he was about to watch Tony get into fitsicuffs with members of the media. “I would be astounding if I had, considering I just found out about this.”

“So, you will not confirm or deny the Captain’s sexuality?”

As much as Steve wished it so, Tony did not close the door and drive away. That certainly would have been the smart choice. There was no reason to engage the press any more, and nothing good was going to come of it. However, after all of his years in the public eye, Tony Stark had never known restraint. “Trust me, Steve Rogers is 100% straight.”

The video ended right there and Steve was left holding Sam’s phone and thinking of all of the things that had just gone wrong and the best possible way to handle them. “Sam?” Steve asked without being completely sure what he was asking.

“The letters ended up online this morning, and they past the initial sniff test. Most of the major media companies aren’t reporting it, but everyone else is. The man they mentioned, um, he died in the early nineties,” Sam said, his voice purposefully calm. Steve knew that already. Had checked as soon as he could. “Apparently his daughter found the letters and put them online. We’ll see if the story has any legs- Tony probably hasn’t helped. That man has the worst instincts with reporters.”

“Is he coming back to New York right now?” Steve said, still unable to take his eyes off the phone.

“He should be, unless his plans changed.” Sam paused. “It didn’t sound like he was lying.” Steve could hear what Sam was trying to say without having to say anything that required a confirmation. He knew as much as Tony did about Steve’s proclivities, which was nothing. But Sam was certainly more perceptive. If he had ever wondered, Steve had just confirmed it by his response. “Steve, you know if you ever need to talk...” Sam began, trying to feel out the situation.

Steve looked him in the eye so that Sam would know he wasn’t lying. “Not right now. And thank you.”

In his room, with the door mercifully shut, Steve found he wasn’t sure if he could work up the courage to confirm whether the story was true or not. If it was true, and they had the letters Steve thought they did, reading them on some blog felt cruel.

Still, it wasn’t hard to search for them, and he was glad he could do it from his tablet. Steve had long resisted having any sort of computing device in his room because they were too distracting, and if he was going to spend hours reading up on something he could do it in the common room with the team. This wasn’t how Tony thought, however. At first, he joked about needing user feedback from someone in the ninety-five and older demographic. When that didn’t work, he began to insinuate reasons why he felt everyone needed a computer in the privacy of their room, many of which involved winking and lewd jokes. Steve had only taken the tablet to shut Tony up, though he would never admit Tony had been right all along about the certain benefits of personal computing.

Steve recognized every one of the letters, could even recite some word for word. For a moment, he felt a flash of anger towards everything - towards Bill for keeping them, towards his daughter for posting them on the internet, towards the media and their coverage, towards Tony and his big mouth, and towards himself for not being the man he should have been.

But that was just for a minute. He had no one else to blame for this predicament but himself and now he had to rise above his own failures and respond in a way deserving of the shield. At least he told himself as much as he read the rest of the coverage. This was just like a mission and he needed all the situational awareness he could get.

Most of the coverage was focused on the more lurid parts of the letters. He was shocked by the casualness in which the press reprinted things that had terrified him so much to write. But that meant that they were glossing over the more incriminating things he had written about how ‘I never stop thinking of you.’ Nothing made him feel more naked than knowing that this secret - not just what he had done, but how he had felt - was news.

Steve sat on his bed, cycling through rereading the letters, following the news, and watching the sunset out the floor to ceiling windows in his room. His need for action was losing its immediacy, and in its wake, he lost track of time reliving something he had purposefully avoided for so long. So, it was sometime at night, far later than he would have thought, when he finally decided he needed to leave the room and begin tackling this head-on.

The tower was uncharacteristically quiet this late. There wasn’t a member of the team that liked to turn in early, including the morning people like Steve, but tonight must have been the exception. Steve felt a pang of loneliness wandering around the common spaces, looking for a friendly face. He wanted to talk to someone. It was an unusual impulse for him, but one he recognized that he needed to trust. Sam clearly knew something was up, but Sam took Steve at his word and had given him space. He always appreciated that about Sam, even if sometimes Steve would benefit from someone calling him out.

Steve was almost certain there was one person in the tower that was still awake, so he made his way down Tony’s lab. It was time to apologize for putting Tony in a situation where he had unwittingly lied. If that apology would most likely lead to talking about all the things bouncing around his head, all the better.

He was proven right first by the loud music and secondly seeing Tony engrossed in some sort of agglomeration of metal. He took a moment to stand in place to watch the scene in front of him and let himself admit just how _handsome_ Tony was. Steve had an internal policy in place even before the war - thinking about men he considered friends and teammates in this matter felt like a breach of their trust. But even he was sometimes taken aback by these feelings of longing. And it didn’t help that Tony had the type of reputation that led to some rather colorful thoughts.

Still, after he had successfully denied the impulse to think about his friend inappropriately, he watched just the same. It was comforting to think about all the lives his teammates had when they weren’t saving the world. Every one of them was making a choice, however unconscious, to be here and to be doing this. Somehow after completing all his other responsibilities (Steve could just imagine him shrugging off the term “responsibility” with some self-deprecating joke), Tony still found time to be a hero. In the back of his head, Steve knew that if the Avengers folded he’d only have his search for Bucky to keep him occupied, while Tony would still be saving the world in his own way.

After a few seconds of standing there, he made a deliberate arc towards Tony with the hope that he’d register in Tony’s peripheral vision. Living with the rest of the Avengers made you think twice about sneaking up on people. While Tony was less likely to respond violently (Steve never snuck up on Natasha or Bruce), it looked like he was working on something that required precision and concentration. The last thing Steve wanted was to be the cause of Tony losing hours of hard work when he had so little time to begin with.

“I was just thinking about you!” Tony said once he finally saw him. “Not sure if you saw the news, but someone wrote some really sexy and very gay letters pretending to be you. The press is having a field day.”

“I wanted to talk to you about that...” Steve said, deliberately avoiding thinking about what ‘really sexy’ meant.

“And I mean crazy hot. Like whoever did it has a bright future in bodice-ripping novels. Or would it be britches-ripping? Either way-”

Steve cut him off before Tony could continue. “I think I should go to the press. Set the record straight.”

Tony was visibly suppressing some joke involving the word ‘straight’ and instead said, “Bad, bad, bad idea. You say something and you come off defensive. And let’s face it, someday you are bound to say something old-fashioned that’s offensive instead of charming. We-” Tony gestured to the area around him, probably referring to the rest of the Avengers, “-all know you are a tolerant guy. But everyone else is just waiting for you to slip up. Let it go, the story has no legs. Everyone with a brain knows it’s clearly fake.”

“It’s not,” Steve managed to croak out when Tony took a breath of air.

“Huh?” Tony stopped what he was doing and gave Steve a look that made him feel like he was lying.

He wasn’t however. Lying was never an option. “I wrote those letters.”

“No, you didn’t,” Tony responded instantly.

“Yes. I. Did.” He looked Tony in the eyes and said the words slowly and deliberately.

“You wrote, ‘I think about that night in the alley all the time. I can’t forget how you whispered my name as I got to my knees.’?” Tony said without inflection. Steve’s words sounded silly taken out of their context. Hearing them like that was like stumbling across some of his earliest artwork. What had felt so real and good and honest was now revealed to be all wrong and awkward.

He could feel the shame all through his body. “Why would you remember that?”

“Because it was a fucking hot visual!” Tony exclaimed, visibly exasperated. “You really wrote that?”

“I did,”  Steve said, aiming for defiant but just sounding petulant. “Why would you think I wouldn’t?”

“Because uptight sons of bitches, and I say that affectionately, don’t give back alley blowjobs. And they certainly don’t write dirty letters about giving back alley blowjobs.” He paused. It seemed as if he hadn’t really thought that till he said it aloud. Steve could see him processing, like a computer with barely enough memory to complete a task. It was an off look on Tony. When he finally spoke again, his voice had gone up a whole octave. “Also- YOU ARE NOT GAY!”.

Steve sighed, realizing how bad of an idea being here and saying this was. “If you say so,” he finally said, the fight leaving him and exhaustion setting in. This was one battle too many, the point where Steve’s headstrong determination to always stand up failed. Tony was one of the few people who knew him in this century. And if he thought this about Steve, then there was little hope anyone else wouldn’t either.

So, he made to leave. There wasn’t much left to say, and Steve felt no need to defend his actions. He would certainly be doing that enough in the time ahead.

He was almost out the door when Tony shouted his name. “I’m sorry. You wanted to talk.” He was almost sheepish, if that was adjective that could ever be used to describe Tony Stark. Steve retraced his steps, his body on autopilot. He wasn’t sure he wanted to have this conversation anymore. Still, he sat on the chair Tony was offering him and waited for him to speak. “Have you told anyone? _Besides_ the lucky fella.”

“Bill. His name was Bill,” Steve breathed out.

“Ok. Have you told anyone besides Bill?”

Even though he knew the answer, Steve was quiet for a second. This was another regret of his. Now that he was in the twenty-first century, having not told Bucky, let alone the current Avengers, was revealed for the great failing it was. He thought of Sam and Natasha, people who probably suspected something. People who would have been kind, if he just had it in him to tell them. “No.”

“And you came to me because of my infinite wisdom?” Tony said with the mixture of self-deprecation and self-importance that only he could manage. Steve closed his eyes, sighed, and shook his head at the thought of Tony and his ridiculous ego. When he opened them, Tony had a subtle smile on his face. He looked like he had won some small victory, though with what Steve didn’t know.

“I came to apologize,” Steve said.

That earned him a suspicious look. “I have no idea...” Tony trailed off, seeming to literally have no way to finish that sentence.

“Today with the press. If I had told you, then you would have been prepared.”

“To do what? Lie?”

“Of course not,” Steve said, a little offended. “It wasn’t fair of me to put you in a situation in which you were dishonest, not matter how unintentionally.”

Tony regarded him, seemingly understanding what he was saying and not being at all happy about it. “I thought so. Steve-” He paused, clearly weighing his words very carefully. “You did nothing wrong. Not then. Not now. You owe nobody, _not even me_ , an explanation. And you owe the press even less than that.”

“Doesn’t make it right.”

“Doesn’t make you wrong.”

They both sat there for a second, stubborn and frustrated. This was how it often was with Tony, how it could be working so close with people who always did what they believed was right, but who could deviate widely on what exactly that was and how to do it.

And Tony. What could Steve say about Tony? He certainly saw the future he always talked about. But he would always believe any path there was the right one if it ended well. So, Steve understood where Tony was coming from and what he was suggesting. And if this concerned anyone but himself, he might have agreed to or at least tolerated it. But there was no way Steve was going to accept anything less than the complete truth.

“I want to go to the press as soon as I can, and since you are the savviest with the media, I was hoping to get your advice.”

It was Tony’s turn to close his eyes and shake his head at Steve. “My advice is- don’t do it. At least not now. Wait. Do it when you want to, not because you were smoked out. Don’t give them the satisfaction.”

“It’s not about the media.”

“Steve-”

“If I mislead the media, I’m sending the wrong message to all the kids who could use a hero.”

“Didn’t stop you before,” Tony muttered under his breath.

Steve honestly didn’t have anything to say to that. All he could manage was, “No one knew. No one asked.”

“Maybe no one knew they could.” There was a bitterness in Tony’s voice that hurt more than anything else he had heard in the last twelve hours. “You could have told us, at least. How are you going to find someone if you can’t talk about it?”

Steve sighed. He had long given up on the idea of being in love, he just sometimes forgot that his friends hadn’t caught on. “It didn’t matter. It wouldn’t have made a difference. No one thinks about me like that.”

“Have you been on the internet?”

“No one _who knows me_ thinks about me like that,” he amended his earlier sentiment, angry at himself for how much it sounded like self-pity.

Tony mercifully didn’t call him on that. Instead all the tension seemed to flow out of his body as his shoulders sagged and his head dropped. “I’m speaking from experience. The media fucked me too. Outed me so long before I was ready, I never got over it.”

It took a second for that to sink in as Steve’s mind separated the meaning of what Tony had said from the sounds of his words. “Huh?”

“I was fooling around with this guy. Truthfully, I was fooling around with a lot of people at the time. I think it was during grad school? I remember writing the first dissertation around then. So- it wasn’t long after the car crash. Anyway, a few of those people I was fooling around with happened to be guys, and there was one in particular who had gotten under my skin. Like really under there- I bought him a Ferrari. Trips to Bali. Things like that _._ Obie had to have a long conversation with me... so as I was saying, I was young and dumb and doing so many drugs I’m still paying for it, and I really liked him...” Tony stopped to take a deep breath before continuing to ramble. “And we may have taken some pictures. Did I tell you about all of the drugs? And alcohol. So much alcohol. And we took these pictures where I was in some _literally_ compromising positions. I’m sure we took more, but that part of my life is a blur for a reason. And this guy, this guy I really liked, sold them to some English tabloid.”

“Tony...” slipped from Steve’s mouth. It seemed like all he could say.

“They published them, of course. And there was this whole thing because I had just turned eighteen and they couldn’t prove the pictures were taken after my birthday. And it was, well, a complete shit show. It took an incident with some heiress from Argentina to get the media to stop asking me questions about it. Well that, a scandal involving a mountain of cocaine, and my first Sexiest Man Alive title.” Tony stopped talking, and the room felt oppressive in the silence. “What I’m saying is that- when I took those pictures, it felt special. My life had fallen off a cliff and here was this guy who made it just a little better. It wasn’t just the sex. The sex was great, yes. But it was getting to share that with someone. At least, I thought so.” He laughed and it sounded bitter. “Once they take that from you- whatever is special- and twist it into some story to sell ad revenue, you’ll never get it back. And you don’t deserve that.”

There was probably a good way to respond, but Steve didn’t know what it was. He wanted to hug Tony. He wanted to find every single person involved with what he had just heard and make them feel pain. He wanted to use a time machine (certainly Tony was working on one) and go back to stop everything Tony had told him. For a moment Steve was transported to a parallel universe where the ice never happened and instead he got to meet Howard’s son, way back when he might have done some good. He sat there for a long time while Tony started fiddling with some gadget in front of him as if he hadn’t said anything.

“You didn’t deserve it, either.” Steve’s voice was so quiet that he wasn’t sure if Tony heard it until he finally put down what he was working on and gave another bitter chuckle.

“Nobody would have seen those pictures if I wasn’t such a mess. Hell, I wouldn’t have taken those pictures if I wasn’t such a mess. No one put a gun to my head and told me to drink, snort, and fuck my way through my problems.”

“That doesn’t make it any less cruel.”

“Doesn’t matter. It happened. Look, if it’s just the media you are worried about, I can distract them. They want an Avenger sex-scandal? I got about three different tapes they’ll eat up. I’ll just call up whoever wants the exposure, and BAM! They’ll forget about you.”

It didn’t surprise him that Tony, who had just recounted a story about a traumatic breach of privacy, was so willing to place himself in the same situation. It should have, but it didn’t. Tony had always been too willing to sacrifice himself.

“Under any circumstances, _do not do that_ ,” Steve said, purposefully using the most commanding tone he had. It was something he normally shied away from when talking with his friends outside of the field, but he had no room to be equivocal.

Tony glared at him. Steve was almost certain he would chafe at the order, as it wasn’t in his nature to take commands. But after a few seconds where Steve was almost certain Tony was going to defy him, the fight left his eyes and he said, “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever you say, boss. I’m just telling you from one guy to the next guy, no one is going to hold it against you if you disappear to some secret island for the next year.” Tony paused for a second and looked at Steve like he was about to share a groundbreaking discovery. The air in the room changed. It was like someone switched on the lights. “Actually I know just the place. Give me a few hours and you can be getting a nice golden tan. Can you get tan? Like an actual tan, not that glow you always -”

“Tony!” Steve interrupted him, laughing. He felt better, lighter. “I’m not going to any of your islands, or whatever you have planned.”

“I know. You are going to do the ‘right thing,’” Tony said with air-quotes. He seemed resigned. “Is there anything I can say that will convince you?”

“No.” Having said it, Steve felt resolute. He was going to do this right.

“Just wait? Please?” Tony pleaded.

“I told you, I’m not going-”

Tony cut him off, and Steve let him. “I mean a few days. Just wait a few days. We can put together a strategy.”

It wasn’t like Steve to back down, but he also tried to listen when better-informed people advised him. He was guessing this was one of those moments. “Ok. A few days. There is something I should probably do anyway.” That earned him a thoughtful look from Tony. “Thank you. It means a lot that... I got to talk to you,” Steve finished lamely. There was so much more he could have said, but he didn’t have the eloquence.

“Whatever. We already established that I’m special.” He said it in a way that made it sound that he felt anything _but_ special.

“Tony.” He used his commanding voice again. It worked and Tony looked him right in the eye. “I mean it. I’m glad you’re the first-”

Tony didn’t let him finish. “I know.” The look on his face was more vulnerable than he had ever seen. And suddenly _Steve_ felt special.

\--------

There was nothing quite like knowing you had many miles in front of you and all the time in the world, Steve mused as he set out from a motel on the edge of Las Vegas. He was showered and (nominally) rested after spending almost two days on the road. It had been the only time he had given himself a chance to stop except for the needed fuel-up since he left New York, and he felt all the better for the couple of hours. There was no real hurry to get to San Bernardino, but he had left first thing the morning after speaking to Tony all the same. It wasn’t in him to avoid what needed to be done and he preferred being on the road to sitting around thinking. 

It only took an hour of watching the dry landscape unfurl around him to arrive at the house. The directions had been burned into his mind since he left and after repeating them to himself for so many hours, it felt anti-climatic standing outside. He wasn’t working up the nerve per se, or evaluating whether or not this was still a good idea, but reminding himself to think through what he was about to do. Few things benefited from rushing, and the conversation he was about to have wasn’t one of them.

Though, he had to kick himself when a middle-age woman answered the door before he had a chance to knock. Sometimes he forgot how inconspicuous he was.

She was eyeing him warily. “Morning ma’am,” he called out. “Are you-”

“You’re Captain America,” she accused without clarifying what Steve had done wrong. “You don’t frighten me.”

That took him aback. “I don’t want to.”

“Then why are you here?”

“I wanted to talk to you. About your father.” He tried to sound steady as he said it.

“You want me to deny it to the press.” It wasn’t a question.

“No.” Steve took a deep breath.  “I just want to talk.”

She thought about that for a moment before resigning herself to say, “You better come in.” And leaving the door open for him to follow without confirming that he would.

Inside, she was already sitting on the couch. She was defiantly ignoring him as he waited for her to say something. It was unsettling. “Deborah,” Steve said, halfway between a question and a command.

“Call me Debbie.” There was nothing about her posture that made Steve feel comfortable calling her by a familiar name, but he took that as an invitation to sit down. “What do you want to know?”

“I wanted to ask you...” _Just say it,_ Steve thought. “About your father. How was... everything? What did he do? How was his life? _Was he happy?_ ”

Debbie’s eyes narrowed on him. “Sometimes. He got drafted and served in the Philippines. Came home and married my mom. They moved out to Los Angeles and had me and my two brothers.” Steve already knew that. Had known it since he had figured out how to use the internet. “They got divorced when I was twenty-five. Took him another ten years to come out. They stayed friends till he died.” She smiled, but she was remembering a personal happiness, one that she had no desire to share with him. “Does this mean it’s true?”

“The letters?”

“Yes. You really wrote them, didn’t you? I was so sure you did, when I found them after Dad died. But I could never ask him.”

“I wrote them.” Steve made sure to articulate every word and watched as her jaw tightened. That must have not been the right thing to say. “I met your father at a night class we were both taking. He made me laugh. And there wasn’t a lot to laugh about back then.”

“He would talk about you, how he knew you back when. Always said you were as great as the history books said. But he was always sad when he said it. _What happened_?” She left no room to dodge the question.

“I was a coward.” Debbie snorted in response, and he kept talking. It was all he could do. It was the closest he was ever going to come to making it right. “Your father and I were going to go away for a weekend. Nothing big- we could never afford that. But just a weekend on the coast in some dingy hotel.” Saying it made Steve feel, not just remember, the heavy knot that had settled in his gut as they made the plans. It was something halfway between excitement and horror. “It was going to be the first time we would have more than just stolen moments together.” It would have been a room with a bed and all the space in the world to say the things Steve had been thinking about but could only write down. “We were going to meet at the train station, and I just... stayed at home.”

It seemed silly, thinking about it now. Back then, he was ashamed that he could feel that way for a man. Now he was ashamed at how much of himself he had squandered.

“I’m not going to apologize,” she announced with such clarity that she must have rehearsed it. “And I’m not sorry for the inconvenience. You want to go to the press, say that I lied, pretend it never happened? Do that. It’s your prerogative. And God knows you have all the resources in the world- even if you owned up to it, you’d get to do it your way. In 2017. Not 1987.” She stood up, towering above him, even though she couldn’t be a hair taller than five and a half feet. “Your body won’t betray your secrets. You won’t die with some of your closest friends refusing to see you. Everyone will love you- they’ll put Captain America on the cover of _Time_ Magazine, they’ll call it a major advance in gay rights.”

Debbie’s words hung in the air as if she knew Steve would sit there, repeating them to himself. So, it took him awhile to realize that she was waiting for him to say something. Perhaps she expected him to counter her attack with his own. Her posture was certainly defensive enough. But he didn’t have the fight in him. Every word she was saying was true. “I’m sorry.”

If that caught her off guard, she didn’t show it. She reminded Steve of Bill - entirely unflappable, even without his humor. “I won’t tell anyone you came here, but I’m not going to lie about anything else.”

“You can tell.”

“But I won’t.” She sighed and her shoulders slumped forward. “You should leave.”

Knowing his cue, he stood up. In lieu of saying anything that was going through his head, he gave her a small nod and a pained smile before walking out the door into the sunshine. The distance to his bike felt both insurmountable and too short at the same time.

It wasn’t until he turned out of the subdivision that Steve realized he had no idea where he was going. The last two days of riding was beginning to catch up with him. He turned into the first motel he saw and was on his way to check-in when he heard the sound of the emergency Avengers communication device on his wrist going off. Adrenaline immediately flooded his body and pushed out any weariness he had been feeling before.

“Rogers here.”

“Steve?” It was Tony’s voice. “Are you ok?”

“What’s the emergency?” Steve asked, already on his bike and ready to go wherever he was needed.

“Are you ok?” Tony asked again, this time with more force.

“Yes, I’m fine. Where is the incident?”

“There’s no incident.”

“This line is for emergency communication only,” Steve said reflexively.

“The emergency is that you’ve been MIA for two days. We’ve tried your phone. This was the only way we could think to contact you.”

Steve had turned off his phone before he left and hadn’t looked at it since then. There had been no need. “I’m fine, Tony. Just had something I needed to do.”

“Where are you?”

“I don’t see why that’s important.”

Tony scoffed. “Oh, cut the crap! I know you’re in L.A. I was just giving you a chance to say so for yourself.”

“How-”

“I’ve got GPS on both your bike and your comm- I tried to put an implant in, but Fury wouldn’t let me.” Tony was trying too hard to sound casual, so he must have been telling the truth. Any other day, Steve would have read him the riot act.

Today, he just sighed. “Tony, I’m fine. Really.”

“You went to go talk to her, didn’t you?”

“How did you-” Steve began to ask, but then thought better of it. Of course, Tony knew. “Yes. Yes, I did.”

“Was it as cathartic as you thought it was going to be?” There was just a hint of an accusation in his voice, like he knew all along this had been a bad idea.

‘Cathartic’ wasn’t what Steve was going for. But by any metric, his talk with Debbie hadn’t been successful. “It was... enlightening.”

“Where are you staying tonight?” Tony asked after a moment and changed the subject. “Please don’t tell me you’re going to ride all the way back.”

Steve was thankful for the change in topic. “No- I was planning to get a room. For the night at least.”

“Could you do me a favor?”

“Yes. Of course.” Having something to accomplish sounded better than sitting around and moping.

“Could you check out my place in Malibu? I just finished rebuilding it and I could use a second opinion on... the fixtures,” Tony said, not even trying to sound sincere.

“Your fixtures?”

“Yeah- the lighting. Tell me if works. I’m not out there as much as I used to be-”

“On account of it being blown-up-”

“Minor details. You have a good eye for these things.”

“I have a terrible eye for these things.” Despite the transparent ploy, Steve found himself smiling at how ridiculous Tony could be.

“Just go... ok? I don’t think you’ve ever seen it. It’s right on the ocean. Crazy beautiful. And the mattress in the guest room cost fifty grand.”

“I couldn’t possibly think of a bigger waste of money.”

“That’s because you lack imagination,” Tony concluded without any flourish. “Plus, it’s a bigger waste if nobody sleeps on it. So, go and sleep on it. I’m sending you the address now-”

“Tony, you really don’t have to-”

“Just go. I’ll know if you don’t.”

“I’ll ditch the GPS,” Steve said, but his heart wasn’t in it.

“No, you won’t, so stop arguing.” Somewhere along the line Tony had learned to read him. It was equal parts scary and comforting. “Sending it... now. You better start, it’s going to take you at least three hours to get there in this traffic. Anyway, I got to go-”

“Tony!” Steve shouted in an attempt to keep him from hanging up, but the line was dead by the time before he finished the name.

He stared up at the blue sky, letting the sun warm his face. He couldn’t remember the last time he got to sit on a beach and just watch the waves roll in. Certainly sometime before the serum.

Tony had also been right about the house. It was beautiful, and looked much better than every newsreel he had seen of it. As far as he could tell, the lighting fixtures looked fine. They were probably very expensive, but Steve couldn’t begin estimating how much. And Tony had been right about the bed, which was so comfortable he fell asleep as soon as he laid down.

The orange glow of the sunset was streaming in through the  windows when he awoke. On a comprehensive list of ways to wake up, it certainly could have been worse. He followed the glow of the sunset, walked down to the beach, and sat on the sand. The rhythm of the waves made it easier to think, and it seemed like sitting here, he could see both the last three days and the last eighty years in perfect clarity.

When Bill had been making the plans for their trip, he kept bringing up all the time they would get to spend on the beach. It was as if no one would recognize two men standing just a little too close. When Steve had been sitting at home, nervously waiting as the time they had set to meet came and went, he thought of that beach. How foolhardy it was to want that. And when it was over and just a regret, nothing haunted him more, save Bill’s mischievous smile, than that beach.

But now, it was all different. A different coast. A different century. In front of him, the sky was growing dark as the sun became only a hint on the horizon. He was a different person, as much an Avenger as he had been a Howling Commando or a kid from Brooklyn. Normally when he thought about these things, he focused on everything he lost. But those times, he hadn’t had this sunset.

Steve heard the quiet footsteps behind him and instinctively knew who was going to sit down next to him. It didn’t surprise him to see Tony there. It should have, but it didn’t. Steve had been subconsciously expecting him since he’d hung up.

“My mom caught me once...” he started as a way of acknowledging Tony’s presence. “I must have drawn a picture of some movie star or someone else. I think she knew as soon as she saw the picture why I had drawn it. There wasn’t anything about it- it wasn’t obscene- but she knew just the same.” He paused, trying to find the right words before all the wrong ones tumbled out. “She was... so much to me. She worked so hard to scrape together enough so we could eat. And when I was sick and needed medicine, well Ma never said it, but I know she went without. So, when she saw that drawing and said that she expected better of me, how could I disagree? She had given up so much for me, it seemed like nothing to give something up for her.”

“Steve...” But that seemed to be all Tony could say. For the moment, Steve was grateful that Tony was fighting his instincts to fill any and all moments of silence with chatter.

“It didn’t bother me much till I met Bill. And then, it bothered me a lot. I got wrapped up in it so fast I could almost forget what Ma would have said. It was intoxicating, but it couldn’t last forever. I know now that Ma was only telling me what she knew. Maybe if she was alive today she would be able to understand. But I didn’t know that then, and I can only imagine what I missed.” Steve looked over at Tony, really seeing him for the first time since he sat down next to him. “It never occurred to me that I could move on. I’ve been so sure that I don’t deserve to.”

They sat quietly for a while as the few stars brighter than the city lights began to shine.

Tony was the first one to break the silence. “My dad was a grade-A asshole and a shitty father.  If he ever suspected the guy-fucking thing, it was entirely because he always felt I wasn’t enough of a man. I wasn’t enough of anything for him,” Tony spat out bitterly. Steve wanted to jump in and assure him that Howard must have loved him more than anything else, but he knew by now it was more complicated than that. “When the pictures came out, I was so glad he never had to see them, and so pissed I thought that in the first place. One of his old friends actually called me up to tell me how disappointed Dad would have been in me.” Tony gave a somber chuckle. “Like I didn’t know already. I learned my lesson. I didn’t stop, but I made sure to always be discreet. I had a reputation, however tenuous, to maintain. And honestly? It didn’t feel like a burden keeping that part of my sex life a secret. It was kind of nice to have something to myself. Or... it was. Right now, I’m wondering if I missed a chance with someone because I wasn’t honest.” Tony looked over at Steve and smiled weakly and Steve put his hand on Tony’s shoulder when he couldn’t think of a good thing to say. “It’s going to mean something when you go public. You’ll probably save lives. If I knew as a kid... it would have helped.”

That hit him right in the gut. “I’m sorry. I really am.”

“Please, don’t be. Who knows where the world would be if you never got to be Captain America.” Tony sounded sincere, but it didn’t comfort Steve. “Did you know the house is a net energy producer?” He asked, probably in an attempt to change the subject.

It was an attempt Steve could get behind. “Like the tower?”

“Better than the tower. It powers the entire city of Malibu. And looking to expand.”

Steve looked right at him so Tony would have a hard time deflecting the compliment. “That’s amazing. You’re saving the world.” Tony Stark didn’t blush, but Steve saw the quirk at the edge of his mouth and knew it was just the same. “The light fixtures look great by the way. And I could almost justify paying that much for a mattress. But it felt strangely familiar...  please don’t tell me how much the one I have at the tower costs. I’d have to donate it or something and it’s really great.”

Tony laughed as he began to stand and shake off the sand from his pants. “I promise. Your secret is safe with me.”

They walked up to the house as Tony brought him up to speed on what had happened in the last couple of days while he had been off the grid. Apparently, Natasha had a few new leads on Hydra and Thor had stopped by unexpectedly (which was to be expected). Having been content to be on the road for the last few days, Steve now wanted to be home.

“You didn’t have to come all the way out here,” Steve said as they entered the kitchen and he grabbed a water bottle from the barely-filled fridge.

Tony shrugged that off. “Don’t sweat it- I had a meeting in the morning. Gave me a nice excuse to come out and see the house.” Steve was sure there was a meeting, though whether it was scheduled before or after their phone call was a mystery.

He leaned back against the counter and smiled- trying to force the compliment wouldn’t work. It was better sometime to just hope the sentiment got through despite of him. They stood there for a moment in a comfortable silence. Steve was in no hurry to do anything.

It was Tony who said something first. “We know each pretty well, right?”

“I think of you as a good friend,” Steve said without assuming how Tony thought.

Tony took a long breath. “Look, this is probably all kinds of inappropriate and go against multiple Avengers’ bylaws.”

“We don’t _have_ bylaws.”

“Then we should get on that, starting with the ones I’m violating now... You said that no one who knows you thinks of you _like that._ ” Tony put the emphasis on the last two words, making his meaning clear. “And that’s just not true. _I_ think of you like that. In fact, I probably thought of you like that multiple times since the letters came out. But also before. Definitely before.”

It took a few seconds for Steve to get what Tony was insinuating, and then a few more seconds to understand the meaning behind what Tony was insinuating.

Steve lost his words. “Oh.”

“Yeah.” Tony swallowed and turned away. “So, I’m going to be downstairs if you need anything.”

His mouth seemed to be running five seconds behind his brain, which already was experiencing a significant delay. It wasn’t until Tony was leaving the room that he was able to shout out, “Me too!”

Tony spun on his heel but looked confused more than anything. “Huh?”

“The thing you said- I... I do too. I think of you like that.” The words tumbled out, each one faster than the other. “I try not to, but it’s impossible.”

Tony’s brain seemed to be working faster than Steve’s, because he was in front of Steve before Steve even had time to register it.

“You’re talking about what I think you’re talking about, right?” Steve could feel his breath on his skin. How had he gotten so close?

This was around the point when Steve remembered he led this team and he had a responsibility to avoid these sorts of entanglements with his teammates. That, and he was scared to his bones of what he was beginning to sense was going to happen. “Yes. But... We shouldn’t.”

He had been in the middle of forming a phrase that communicated ‘this is inappropriate’ without inviting debate when Tony looked him square in the eye. “Do you want to?”

“I’m not sure that’s relevant...”

“Don’t try that with me, Steve. It’s very relevant.” Tony’s tone gave no room for debate. “I want to fuck. I _really want_ to fuck. And what I’m asking is, what do you want?”

“Want?” Steve asked, mostly to buy him a second to collect his thoughts. At least Tony and him were on the same page.

Tony seemed to take his silence as an excuse to keep negotiating his point. “I’m not talking about a one night sort of thing... It could be if you want. But I’d do the whole dinner and a movie if that is more your styl-”

“Do I want to..?” Steve asked himself again, too dazed to hear more than half of what Tony was saying.

“Yes, I’m saying that if you want to, and I want to, then we just should, right?” Tony frowned, seeming to have noticed that Steve, still stuck on the initial question, wasn’t reacting to what he was saying. “Are you ok?”

And then in a rush that almost landed him on his ass, all of Steve’s senses and thoughts finally caught up to one another. He kissed Tony, and it wasn’t just an answer to Tony’s question, but all the questions he had been avoiding asking himself for the last few years. It hadn’t ever been about wanting or not wanting. How could he not want Tony right here and like this- as his hands and mouth made up for all the talking he’d probably be doing if they weren’t kissing. This was everything he had never known he was allowed to want, and yet here he was.

He began to move them farther back until Tony hit into the kitchen island behind him with an ‘umph.’ Steve immediately broke the kiss, but Tony’s whines became a surprise hiss when Steve got to his knees. “You don’t have to-” Tony said, looking like he was trying to account for any of his naked desire with concern.

The concern was unnecessary. “I want to,” Steve responded with full confidence as he began to fiddle with the buttons on Tony’s pants. They turned out to be more complicated than he was prepared for and after a few moments of growing more and more frustrated, he decided to rip the damn things open.

Of all the ways Steve expected Tony to react to that, he hadn’t considered laughter. But that’s what Tony was doing. Steve’s eyes shot up, his face flushing with embarrassment. “I’m so sorry...” he began to blurt out.

Tony seemed to take pity on his hand caressed Steve’s cheek, but he didn’t stop laughing. “No, no, no. It’s not you. It’s my life. I’m laughing at my life. I had no idea when I woke up this morning that the single hottest thing that has happened to me was even possible today. Like normally there is some sort of warning. Some sense of anticipation. But nothing could prepare me for you tearing off my pants.”

He continued to giggle, but his giggles turned into a surprised sigh and then appreciative moans as Steve got to work. It seemed, based on Tony’s reaction, that he hadn’t lost this particular skill. The combination of aggressive desire and general well-being washed over him as he watched Tony’s hands grip the granite countertops. This was ok- he wasn’t doing anything wrong. Not anymore.

He had been thoroughly focused on the task at hand when Tony put his hands firmly on his shoulder and gently pushed him away. It took both of them a second to catch their breaths.

“I hate to be the bearer of bad news- but if you keep that up it’s going to be over a lot sooner than it should be.” He sounded genuinely sad about the situation, but that didn’t track. That wasn’t bad news at all.

“What did you have in mind?” Steve asked as he stood up.

Tony’s smile, filled with equal parts swagger and caring, made it very clear what he was thinking. “If you think the mattress in the guest room’s expensive, just wait till you spend some time on mine.”

A few hours later Steve sat in Tony’s basement lab and watched as he dictated construction plans to JARVIS. It seemed that for Tony, sex was the equivalent of a few espresso shots, and he was talking so fast Steve could barely keep up. He was animatedly discussing plans for the new workshop, but it was enough for Steve to watch him work and listen to the waves crash outside. Every so often he’d be looking at Tony just as Tony had stopped to look at him. Even down here, with no one else around, the little smiles they shared were just for them. He felt calm, and he held on to that feeling even as he remembered there were legitimate reasons why pursuing this relationship was a bad idea. However, now those reasons were just another hurdle instead of an impenetrable wall. And what were hurdles if not things to be overcome.

“You owe me dinner,” Steve said just as Tony began to tinker with a miniature version of his 3D printing system.

Tony just looked over and smiled. He had at some point, either in the last three years or in the last three hours, learned when Steve wasn’t being serious. “Would you settle for breakfast and an early morning drive down Highway 1?”

“If you let me drive, it’s a deal.”

Tony pretended to consider that. “I don’t know... You’re going to have to do one better than that.”

“I’ll throw in a second round.” There wasn’t a suggestive hint to his voice. He didn’t have to be suggestive. Tony got it anyway.

“Sold. But after. Turns out I’m old.”

For maybe the tenth time that day, a warm feeling of contentment filled Steve. “And here I am, feeling ancient listening to your loud music and watching you with your computer do-dads.”

Later, after winding roads and breakfast at a roadside diner and well, some spectacular time getting to know the house better, they were on their way to the airport. Tony was going to ship Steve’s bike, despite his objections.

“You’ll spend the same on fuel,” Tony said with a shrug, not even trying to sound convincing.

“It’s still a waste. Also, don’t you have a meeting to attend?”

“I lied.” Another shrug.

“Tony...”

“What was I going to do? You didn’t need to be alone.”

It took a few moments for Steve to mull that over. “I’m glad you did... but you didn’t have to lie.”

“Got me into your pants, didn’t it?”

“Yes. News of your business meeting really cinched it,” Steve said as dryly as he possibly could. He looked out the window as he began to realize something. “We aren’t going to the airport, are we?”

“Yes, eventually. And don’t give me that look- they’ll wait, it’s what they do. How did you even know we weren’t going...? You looked a map, didn’t you? Damn you and your exceptional spatial awareness,” Tony rambled, growing more and more exasperated. It was enough to make Steve smile fondly in response. That seemed to do the trick, because Tony began to speak more slowly. “There is something I want to check out before we leave. Shouldn’t take too long.”

It was probably best to just let Tony do what Tony was going to do. Steve was in no hurry to get back to New York. They had a plan that was little more than just ‘call a press conference,’ though Steve was almost sure Tony had more up his sleeve. He always did.

They pulled up in front a small colorful bungalow surrounded by drought-resistant plants and concrete. “Where are we?” Steve asked as he opened the door.

Tony got out of the car and popped the trunk. “JARVIS from time to time finds something interesting in our anonymous tip line.” He pulled out a small package.

Steve eyed the block, trying to find some sign of distress. “Should I be suiting up?”

“No, no, no. Nothing like that. Um...” He paused, looking like he was second guessing whatever he had decided to do. “Bill’s granddaughter wanted to speak to you, and well, I talked to her yesterday and set something up. I shouldn’t have done that, huh?”

“Was this the meeting you were talking about?” Steve asked with more firmness than he intended.

“Would you forgive me if I said it was?”

Steve looked from the house to Tony back to the house. He had learned to trust Tony in the field. Maybe it was time to extend that to the rest of his life. “What’s in the box?” he asked, nodding at what Tony was holding.

“Oh- you’ll see,” Tony said with his most mischievous grin before stepping next to Steve and gently placing his hand on his shoulder. Knowing Tony was there felt right. Like he should have always known he would be there. They looked at each other and he whispered, “You don’t have to. If you don’t want to.”

It was a formality, not because Tony didn’t mean it, but because he had to know that Steve would follow through anyway. Still, it was a kind formality and just the thing that got him moving. He was just about to knock, Tony right beside him, when the door swung open and revealed a young brunette with a familiar smile.

Her eyes lit up and soon as they caught Steve’s. “I didn’t actually believe you would come. I’m Karen. This is unreal.” She opened the door wider and guided them in and then called up the stairs. “JASON! You come down here right this minute!” A boy who couldn’t have been any older than six took the stairs one at a time and refused to meet his mother’s gaze. She pulled him close anyway and nudged him with her hip. “Say hi to our guests.” When he finally looked up, his face froze in wonder.

“Nice to meet you, kid,” Steve said as he crouched down and offered his hand.

Jason bounded forward to take it. “Captain America...” Awe filled his voice as he looked from Steve to Tony and then back at his mom. They shared a look that must have silenced any doubts in the kid’s mind. He ran up to Tony and hugged him around the legs. “IRON MAN!”

Tony chuckled and patted him on the head. “Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m a big fan of you, too. I got something I think you might like.” He held out the box and Jason’s eyes filled with anticipation as Tony addressed his mom. “It’s probably best we do this in the backyard. Less property damage.”

That probably should have concerned her, but she just smiled and led them out the back and onto the porch. From there, Tony opened the box and pulled out a pair of child-size repulsor gauntlets. If there was a limit to sheer happiness a person could experience, Jason was probably close. Karen and Steve stood there for a few minutes, watching as Jason put on the gauntlets and Tony began to instruct him on how to use them. They only shot light, but Jason bounded around the backyard making (rather accurate) Iron Man noises and aiming at small holographic projectiles Tony was throwing.

“I can’t believe you came,” Karen said as they sat down on the porch steps. “I... uh... My mom called me. Yesterday. After you saw her.”

“You don’t have to apologize for her.”

“I wasn’t going to.” She sighed and tilted her body towards Steve. “I don’t think she ever got over Grandpa’s death. And I think she thinks it’s unfair. That you're here and he isn’t.” They sat quietly for a moment before she continued. “But when she told me you were asking about him, I figured I should reach out. Grandpa would have wanted me to.” Another sigh. “He would have wanted you to know he was happy.”

“Was he?”

She looked out over the yard for a long time. “Yes. He told me, before he died, that he didn’t regret his decisions. And I’m sure that includes you.”

“When I woke up, and finally figured out how to use the internet, the first thing I did was try and find where he was. I... I knew logically almost everyone I had known was dead. It shouldn’t have surprised me. But it did.”

“Did you love him?” she asked, determined.

The question felt like it came out of left field. But somehow, Steve had been expecting it anyway. “I think I was too scared to love him,” he answered truthfully.

“I hope you aren’t scared anymore.” Steve may have been imagining it, but she nodded at Tony.

The idea of what she was implying should have terrified him. But something had changed in the last twenty-four hours. He responded, “I’m not.”

“Good. Grandpa moved on. No reason why you shouldn’t.” They sat there and watched Jason blast the holographic targets Tony kept throwing at him. She was right, it served no purpose feeling sorry for himself. There might be a thousand ways to screw up what he had just started with Tony, but he wasn't going to let fear be one of them.

**Author's Note:**

> I'd love to hear what you think.


End file.
